So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel! - Eddie Izzard
You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants. - Eddie Izzard
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. - Eddie Izzard
If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death. - Eddie Izzard
The National Rifle Association says, 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps. - Eddie Izzard
I like my women like I like my coffee. In a plastic cup. - Eddie Izzard
We know the people with techno-fear. They're there, on the computer, going; What... oh... oh... I... I've wiped the file? Oh damn. What... I've wiped all the files?? I've wiped the internet?!? Oh no... I don't even have a modem! - Eddie Izzard
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. - Eddie Izzard